Payback
by lucyporter99
Summary: Alex and Piper. Set at the beginning of season 4.
1. Chapter 1

**_"_** ** _The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected." Nicholas Sparks_**

Sometimes, before dawn broke, Alex managed to rouse herself from the suffocating, dirty fug of sleep and turn to face window. High up towards the ceiling, small, and surrounded by peeling paint, this window allowed her to witness the faint illumination of sunrise. Gradually, as minutes passed and yellow sunbeams skipped along the surface of the bare concrete walls, the building was filled with pure gold. And every time, every single goddamn time, she was reminded of Piper. The sunshine yellow of her hair. The radiance of her smile and the sparkle of her crystalline eyes…the way her entire face lit up when they were together, with a passion both hot and powerful, which Alex knew she reflected, as if Piper herself were the sun and she were merely the moon.

It was an almost perfect analogy: sun and moon, inextricably linked. They were fundamentally unable to exist without each other. Despite their endless, individual struggles for power, their worlds were shattered when they came out of satellite. Night, day…together, apart… no matter how painful it was when it was over, Alex always knew, somehow, in the very core of her being, that she'd be with Piper again. After all, it was inevitable. Night had to follow day, and there was always that beautiful space in between, that passionate, tireless collision between dark and light that twilight eternally provided, when they could exist together.

Until now.

Allowing herself to remember, Alex succumbed to the tidal wave of grief that permanently threatened to engulf her. Slowly turning onto her side, she snatched a ragged breath, gasping as hot tears scorched her cold, porcelain skin. Squeezing her eyes shut and balling her fists, she waited. Sure enough, as her stomach churned and her chest tightened in pain, she found herself back there. Back in the shed. With Aydin. And Piper.

'Alex!" Piper screeched as she tripped onto the dusty concrete floor. 'Piper! What the…what?! Why is she here?!" Alex's questioning eyes darted between Aydin and the blonde, who had been pushed through the door of the shed by a uniformed figure whom Alex failed to recognize. Aydin paused pointedly, as he watched Piper scrabble to her knees, wiping the grazed palms of her hands on the faded khaki trousers that covered her thighs.

Raising one eyebrow and clasping the silver buckle of his belt, Aydin fixed his gaze on the brunette's anxious face.

"Thanks Jedd. I'll take it from here." He nodded curtly, breaking his focus to watch the shed door swing on its rusty hinges, before slamming shut behind his mysterious accomplice. It was in that instant, as she was watching Piper flinch at the high-pitched scream of metal scraping on metal, that she knew. She knew why Aydin had bought her here. He had bought her here to die. And he wanted her to watch.

"So we figured…" Aydin started, approaching Alex, "since you two were in here together, that it would just be too easy to punish you on your own. I mean, where's the fun in that?! And Blondie always loved a bit of fun…that right Blondie?" he chuckled slightly as he spoke, stopping when he was inches from Alex's ashen face.

"You leave her out of this. It's me Kubra really wants" Alex snarled, her dark eyebrows furrowed and her forehead creased.

"Actually, that's not completely true. He's pretty pissed with you both." Pursing his lips, Aydin leaned in closer, "Now you're going to listen to what I tell you, and do exactly what I say. If you don't, I'm going to shoot her right now. I mean it. Any sign from you that you're not co-operating and Blondie gets a bullet straight to the brains. Do you hear me?" Shooting a look at Piper's terrified expression, Alex bit her lip, hard. "If I do what you say, you'll leave her alone?!"

"You know what Vause, that's a really cute idea…" Aydin moved fast, grabbing her wrist and handcuffing it to the leg of the metal workbench next to them. "But you know that's not the way these things work."

"Bastard!" Alex spat, bringing her knee up fast to meet Aydin's groin as he straightened to an upright position. Doubled over, he staggered backwards, breathing out noisily as the pain eased. "You know exactly what happens now, you stupid, careless bitch." Aydin suddenly unfurled and rushed over to Piper, grabbing a handful of her caramel hair and violently jerking her head back. Tears immediately sprang to Piper's eyes, her brow creasing as she bit her lip and stifled a cry. 'Tell me, Alex. Tell me, what AM I going to do next?'

Icy fear trickled down Alex spine, coursing through her veins, numbing the feeling in her body like anesthetic. She was left in a state of horrified paralysis. 'I…you…" even her voice failed her, stopped her from uttering what she knew was about to happen, prevented her from making Piper's fate real with her own words.

"Jesus, Vause!" Aydin's grip on Piper's scalp was still tight; like an exasperated puppet master waiting for his cue, he made sure the tension was taut, the pain unrelenting. With his last poisonous exclamation, Piper's eyes widened. Her slender body was visibly shaking and her lips, which she bit frantically in an attempt to control her hysteria, were beginning to bleed. "I want you to look at your girlfriend. Look her in the eye. The moment you stop looking, I use this…' brandishing the silver weapon that he had stealthily whipped from his belt, Aydin freed his hand from Piper's hair with such force that she fell flat on her chest.

"I SAID LOOK AT HER!" Alex could hear the anger rising in Aydin's voice as he fought to establish his authority. A dangerous, metallic taste filled her mouth as she obediently searched the shape of Piper's rising body for her face. Her beautiful face, rising, like the sun.

There is always a moment before you lose consciousness, in which you are aware of being yourself, without really being in your own body. For a few seconds, after your hearing fades and your vision clouds over, you seem to be metaphysically floating over your own being, looking down on the person that you present to others. Fleetingly, you seem to be separated from your physical form, something so profoundly yours that you can hardly imagine being able to function without it. For Alex, as she stared into the eyes of the only woman that she had ever loved, this feeling seemed to be reversed. Being with Piper, really connecting with her, felt like waking up. Piper's love was like oxygen, it helped her to breath, to discover a self that was so much more than she ever thought she could be. A self that would make mistakes, but nevertheless, a self that felt completely whole.

And Alex knew.

She knew that what she lost, every time she lost Piper, was something even more important than the physical, something even more painful that losing a limb. Every time she lost Piper, she lost a little piece of her soul. Aside from the anger and the fighting, the sex, the wanting and the tears, deep down, what Alex felt for Piper was raw, primal love.

THUD. Aydin wore stiff, black leather shoes. From her peripheral vision Alex noticed that these shoes had a sick, teasing shine…a shine that reminded her, almost spitefully, that this man had managed to filter through Litchfield's employment system without any intention of actually doing any work, masquerading as a decent human being while actually being a hidden monster. He was a criminal, hired in a place that was supposed to correct the unlawful behaviour of others. How does that even happen?!

Is there any such thing as safety? Can you ever really be safe, or is it just a concept we comfort ourselves with in times when we're feeling less vulnerable or oblivious to threat? Alex wondered, now, as she lay in her prison bunk and considered this paradox, weeks after it all. She was locked in a prison- a high security institution meant to keep HER from doing any harm. Instead, she'd been so hurt that she felt like she had been crucified.

 _"_ _I love you. I love you and I am so sorry that I couldn't keep you safe"_ In the split second when Alex became aware of the first raising of Aydin's shoe, she tried desperately to speak to Piper with her dark, honest eyes. Unblinking, Piper stared back intensely, plump tears pouring down her cheeks as she held on to Alex's gaze. Nodding slightly, she licked her fear-parched lips and mouthed back, " _I know. I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry."_

THUD. Aydin's first kick made contact with Piper's ribs. The dull sound of her slight frame embracing the concrete once again, made Alex wince. Still, she held Piper's beseeching gaze.

THUD. His second kick had more force, as if his previous attempt was a practice and his engine was just warming up. THUD. Black leather buried itself in khaki cloth, forcing itself further until it hit bone. Piper screamed, drawing her legs up to her chest like a baby, desperately trying to protect herself. Perversely, this childish gesture only seemed to encourage Aydin's violence. THUD. Piper began to scrabble on the concrete like a tortured animal. THUD. Her screams were so wild, so desperate; Alex couldn't bear to hear them. THUD. The speed and frequency of his kick's increased, his breathless panting accompanying the sickening sound of breaking bones and flesh. "MAKE SURE YOU LOOK AT HER VAUSE. KEEP LOOKING! YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"

Alex could feel her body beginning to convulse, desperately fighting the urge to retch. "Stop! Please stop!" she sobbed, in a tinny, whining voice that bore no resemblance to her usually confident, raspy tones. Piper's prison garb was covered in blood. As she lay there, exhausted, holding Alex's stare, her broken body submitted to the beating, writhing as it absorbed the force of the attack. "What, you want a turn?' Aydin stopped, breathless, his hair disheveled and his eyes bright with the glow of adrenalin and twisted pleasure. "No, Alex. No. Please." Piper whispered hoarsely.

"You see," Aydin laughed, manically, "Blondie's enjoying herself!" Bored of his original means of attack, he quickly began searching the tops of the metal workbenches for reinforcement.

As soon as she realized what he was doing, Alex began to hurl herself towards Aydin, the cool metal of the handcuff cutting into her skin as she threw herself in his direction. Like a wild dog on a leash, chained to a lamppost, Alex pulled and strained furiously, growling in frustration as she did so. Finding nothing of interest on the surface of the bench, Aydin quickly scanned the perimeter of the shed. Piper lay moaning where he had left her, wrapping her arms around her waist to comfort herself. She obviously didn't realize how hurt she was because as she took her hands away she visibly flinched at the sight of her own blood. Seconds later, Aydin was back by her side, snorting and wielding a rusty leg, ripped from beneath one of the workbenches that was littered with plant pots. Time seemed to slow down as he bent towards Piper's shaking frame and brought the metal bar to a raised position, hovering above her head.

"Piper!" frantic words burst out of Alex as she struggled with the handcuffs. "Piper listen to me." the blonde wriggled slightly on the concrete and turned to face Alex, her pained expression easing slightly as she met the brunette's gaze. "Piper I fucked up. You fucked up. We fucked up over and over again, together. We hurt each other and we ruined each other's chances. But I swear to god, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Fuck all the stupid, spiteful things we did to each other. Fuck everyone else…."

"Ladies, ladies. Come on now. We're not here to play out some lesbian Romeo and Juliet scene. We're here because you've both pissed off some very dangerous drug dealers." Aydin raised his voice, "And I'm not finished claiming my debt. So shut the fuck up and let me continue." Finally, his new weapon was set in motion: with one low grunt Aydin slammed the metal leg down to meet Piper's flesh. One hit was all it took.

 _"_ _Do you love me?" Piper teased, climbing on to Alex's lap and wrapping her slender legs around her waist. She was fresh from the shower, her newly washed hair soft and tousled one of Alex's oversized t-shirts was casually pulled over black lace underwear. Chuckling, Alex picked up the remote from beside her on the couch and pointed it at the screen, pausing the film playing in the background. "Enough to pause my film for," she smirked, pushing her glasses to the top of her head, "and that has to mean something, because believe me, I am loving Jennifer Aniston as a bad ass dental nurse right now. So hot."_

 _Piper raised an eyebrow, 'Oh really? You're loving it huh?' her big blue eyes were framed by a crinkled brow as she pouted slightly with jealousy._

 _"_ _Hell yeah, I mean, what's not to like?!' Alex raised an eyebrow, taking one of Piper's slender wrists in each hand._

 _"_ _Last time I checked Alex, Jennifer Aniston was neither gay nor aware of your existence."_

 _"_ _It kills me every time. Lucky for me then, I guess, that you're both of those things." Pulling Piper's arms up around her own neck, Alex leant in to kiss her._

 _"_ _No no no no no. I'm not going to be your fall back option here, jackass." Piper turned her head away from Alex's lips and shook her arms free. "And anyway, who says I'm gay?" she enquired playfully, pulling off her t-shirt and letting it drop to the floor behind her._

 _Illuminated by the faint glow of the television, Piper looked beautiful. Long limbs, smooth skin, a sexy, innocent smile dancing on her lips, she was captivating. Alex bit her lip, shaking her head slightly as she drank in the sight of her girlfriend's naked body. Then, with one finger, she traced a line from just beneath Piper's chin, slowly travelling down past her chest and stomach, circling her belly button lightly, before finally reaching the black lace of her underwear. Piper's body reacted instantly to her touch. "As far as I remember Piper, you're pretty gay. Gay for me, in fact." Alex's eyes darkened as she moved closer, taking a handful of blonde hair in her hand and then watching as each strand fell through her fingers, like grains of sand. Playing to her audience, Piper stretched backwards, running both of her hands through her hair. Arms behind her head, she stretched her toned torso and chest towards Alex and locked her eyes on hers._

 _"_ _Piper," Alex pulled her upright, cupping her delicate face with both hands. "You're fucking gorgeous. You will never be second best. You know that. I love you."_

 _Piper stifled a grin, "but Jennifer Aniston's still sexier, right?"_

 _Sparks of amusement danced in Alex's eyes, "Jennifer Aniston will always be sexy. But you will always be my girl. It's not always about looks Piper."_

 _Feigning shock, Piper let her mouth drop. "It's not?!"_

 _"_ _No, you idiot. When I say I love you, I mean I love everything about you. I love how you ramble when you're nervous, how you you're so annoyingly knowledgeable about some things when you're so fucking clueless about others. I love the way you curl into me when you sleep, how you sing in the shower and laugh too much at your own jokes. I love that you manage to be passionate, curious, confident and so completely lost at the same time. I love that you drink margaritas when it's cold out and you read under a blanket even when it's warm inside. I love that you argue with me when you believe you're right and you sulk like a child when you know you're wrong. I love you even when we fight and we hurt each other. I still love you even when I hate you. I just love you Piper Chapman and I have never felt like this about anyone before. Ever. Not even Jennifer Aniston." She barely had time to finish, before Piper had wrapped her self around her, kissing her deeply. The last thing she remembered, before they fell to the carpet, was the taste of Piper's own whispered "I love you' and the feel of the blonde's happy tears wet on her own cheeks._


	2. Chapter 2

Rise, fall. Rise, fall. Rise, fall.

 _"_ _Piper, why are you crying? Sweetheart stop." A handkerchief was retrieved with flourish from her mother's cream leather clutch and thrust towards her, accompanied by a symphony of irritated tutting. "Look, you're going to spoil your beautiful new outfit. Grandma doesn't want to see you sad darling, you must control yourself. This is not an occasion for you to be selfish."_

At ten years old, Piper was taught that expressions of her own emotion were to be suppressed, particularly if they were to be inconvenient to other people. Knowing this, while standing with her shiny, patent leather shoes in the grass next to her beloved grandfather's open grave, caused Piper to feel what she later came to think of as her first heartbreak.

 _'_ _That's right sweetheart, lie down, make yourself comfortable." Piper wriggled her small body into the space her Grandfather had made for her between the heavy duvet and the cool cotton sheets. Spreading her arms and stretching out her legs to the point of her toes, she allowed herself to fall into the bed's soft embrace. Her grandfather perched on the side of the mattress, his kind, weathered face smiling back at her. He wasn't an outstandingly handsome man, or extraordinarily successful one, but he was honest and generous and full of adoration for his only granddaughter, the girl who'd proven to be more like him than any of his own offspring. He had the type of face that was proudly decorated with a lifetime of emotion; each crinkle around his big blue eyes marked the repeated delight of his happiness, the occasional heaviness of his tears; the many fine lines around his wise mouth were shadowed with the weight of his every spoken word, whether angry, sad or pleased; upon his forehead his most painful inner turmoil was exposed, the tanned skin etched with deep creases of concern. Looking at this face, Piper felt safe. In her grandfather's eyes, young Piper could almost see the journey she would go on herself as she grew, and what's more, she felt like whatever direction she took, that would be ok._

 _"_ _Thank you for a wonderful day today honey." A large, strong hand reached forwards and lovingly smoothed her wild hair behind her ear, carefully handling each strand as if were pure spun gold. In response, her quick eager fingers propelled one of her tiny hands upwards to meet the elder's loving grip._

 _"_ _I love you grandpa." Piper whispered as she laced their fingers together, her genuine but childish voice cutting through the comfortable stillness that lingered between them._

 _"_ _I love you too baby." He leant forward now, one hand laid gently on her swaddled torso, the other on the pillow next to her head, free of her delicate fingers which had since curled like petals into the bud of her fist. "Piper?" her grandfather's gaze swept her face, a curl of affection pulling at his lips._

 _"_ _Yes grandpa?" she whispered again, stifling a yawn._

 _"_ _You're perfect, baby girl." Soft fingers caressed her forehead, as one lingering thumb gently stoked her cheek. Reassured by the protection of her grandfather's touch, Piper's milky eyelids fluttered, her long black lashes flickering like butterflies' wings against the powerful pull of sleep._

 _"_ _Promise me you'll never change." He paused, savouring the sight of Piper's innocent expression as her eyes finally closed. Like a blank canvas, her satiny, unblemished skin invited him to imagine the future that would one day be so intricately painted on her face. "Don't you ever change Piper. Be true to yourself. You are who you are, and that's ok. Believe me, that's more than ok."_

 _As Piper let go of consciousness and drifted into sleep, she felt the final blessing of her grandfather's lips, pressed meaningfully on to the top of her head._

Rise.

As Piper watched the glinting metal bar travel higher into the air above her head, she became aware of the startling contrast of the cool of the concrete floor against her cheek and the heat of Alex's anguished stare as it bore into the glassy blue of her own eyes. Her body, heavy with the ache of her previous injuries, lay somewhere beneath her, far away, detached. Against her own control, she found herself focusing on the rise and fall of her own wheezing lungs, intermittently punctuated by the deep thud of her fractured heart.

Fall.

Moments of complete powerlessness sometimes appear to be played out in slow motion. Time slows down as a reminder that you have no control or choice to speed it up. Eventually, the metal began to lose height. Sounds became muffled and Piper's vision began to distort as the inches fell away.

Fall. Fall. Fall.

Somewhere close to her, Alex was screaming. Piper knew. Not because she could hear it (the colour of her girlfriend's words had faded seconds ago) but because she could feel their frightened tension in the air. At this point, with some of her major organs in crisis and most of her nerve endings exhausted to the point of shutting down, Piper had the strange sensation of almost being able to taste Alex's love as she sucked oxygen through her parched, bleeding mouth. It tasted like home.

Fall. Fall. Fall.

Moving closer to her face, the metal bar seemed to whisper her name. Piper closed her eyes, tensed her muscles, clenched her jaw. Momentarily soothed by the darkness of her own eyelids, she was shocked to find she could still hear the closeness of the object as it hovered, fractions away from her face. She could feel its presence even before the metal made contact. In the instant before she lost consciousness, Piper recalled a similar feeling.

Fall.

She was five years old, grazed knees, limited experience, big ideas. Her body was tired; her heart was happy; her mind was at ease. Beneath her cheek, a pillow. On her chest, the reassuring weight of her grandfather's hand. Even then with her eyes closed, she could feel the imminent weight of her grandfather's lips, which he would soon press against her forehead. A mark of his enduring love, a sign of his acceptance, a well-remembered kiss.

Fall.

And as Piper finally felt the sharp pain of the metal coming to rest, she could swear she felt those lips again.

She let herself fall.


	3. Chapter 3

"Just get me the fuck out of these!" Alex cried hysterically, thrusting her raw wrists towards Birdie's shocked face. Uniformed men continued to pour through the broken shed doors, which moments earlier had been forced open by Caputo and his band of officials. Birdie's shock was written all over her face. Of course, she had seen Chapman, as she knelt down in front of Vause, sprawled out on the floor, covered in blood, unmoving. The pretty blonde was almost unrecognizable in form…it was only Alex's desperate screaming that confirmed who she was. "Vause, you need to stay still if I'm going to even stand a chance at getting these off." She steadied Alex's shaking hands with her own, feeling for the key that had been thrown towards her after Aydin had been tackled to the ground.

"She's not moving sir! I can't stop the bleeding. Shit!" the alarm in the guard's voice as he shouted to Kaputo was tangible to all around. Birdie slid the tiny key into the lock, frowning sympathetically as Alex's face crumpled. Tears fled from the brunette's eyes, staining her face with sorrow, dripping morosely from her chin to the floor. Carefully easing the silver cuffs from their victim's wrists, Birdie lay them beside her on the floor. Turning cautiously back towards Alex, she cleared her throat, "Vause.."

But Alex had already gone. Insistent, she had muscled her way between the figures kneeling by Piper's side and was in closest proximity. As soon as she was free she had been drawn like a magnet towards the other inmate, unsteadily leaping forwards, throwing herself finally towards the love of her life.

"Medics should be here any second." Caputo barked as he stood over the casualty, pulling at the buttons of his collar before running one hand nervously through his hair.

"Piper," Alex crouched forwards, gathering the bloodstained curtain of blonde hair that hung over Piper's face in her trembling hand. Bringing her own face closer, she surveyed the damage to the face she knew so well. Then, with wide eyes, she surveyed the pattern of torture that Aydin had emblazoned onto her body. Piper had endured this for her…

"Where's the fucking ambulance! She needs help! Why isn't anybody helping?!" Alex felt hysterical now. Her heart was racing, bile rising in her throat again as waves of disgusted nausea washed over her. "Piper!' slipping one hand underneath the khaki uniform at Piper's waist, she shook her lightly. Nothing. Disturbingly, Alex's withdrawn hand was covered in blood. "Fuck! Shit!" She sank forwards, wiping her hand on her own khaki covered thigh before lightly resting her fingers on Piper's forehead, like she had done so many times before. It was that place, that magic place that brought Piper instant relief, like a cat curling into the affectionate palm of its owner's stroking hand. Whether disappointed, upset or frightened, Piper had always been comforted by Alex's touch.

"Medics are here, clear the area."

Alex heard the order barked but she was unable to move. Every bone in her body resisted the notion of being separated from Piper again. Each fibre of her being balked at the agony of only being able to watch as something else happened to her. It was a split second of stubbornness, a second of security in the wake of far too many previous excruciating minutes of pain.

Suddenly, equipment surrounded them, the shed a hive of activity. Differently uniformed figures; achorus of knowing voices; tubes, masks, whirring machines. "Sweetheart, you need to move." A firm hand took her shoulder and attempted to pull her backwards. "I can't…I can't…" Alex's hoarse voice almost begged to be understood.

"Are you hurt ma'am?" The voice came again, harsher this time. Beneath her, Piper was subject to a flurry of activity. "Ma'am!" He didn't understand. He obviously hadn't ever felt anything like this. This intoxicating, sometimes toxic, inevitable love.

"She's in shock." Birdie interjected, coming to rest at Alex's side. "I got this ok? You need to be gentle with her!" Birdie wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulders and slowly moved her away from Piper's now completely transformed body. Guided like a blind person away from danger, Alex unexpectedly became aware of the fact that Birdie wasn't just holding her for comfort; she was physically holding her up.

"Atrial Fibrillation. We need that defibrillator. Stat."

"Charged."

An alien melody of computerized beeping filled Alex's ears.

"Clear."

The hum of electricity rang throughout the shed, bouncing from the walls. Birdie brought her to a stop and stood facing her, obviously trying to obstruct Alex's view of the procedure. "Vause, you've been through a hell of a lot in here. Tell me, are you hurt?"

Alex blinked. Her throat was dry. What did she mean? Why did everyone keep asking her this? Was she hurt? Piper was lying on the floor; she couldn't open her eyes, move her hands…she could barely take a breath. Was she hurt? Were they serious?

Alex nodded once, slowly.

She was in agony.


	4. Chapter 4

"Is she dead?!" Alex gripped Birdie's arm firmly, her eyes pooling with tears. Birdie bit her lip, "Honey I don't know what happened, I've been with you this whole time."

 _"_ _Get her out of here!" Caputo yelled, his face, close to Birdie's now, was red with worry. Beads of sweat lined his forehead, his behaviour was erratic; the pressure of the whole situation was clearly resting heavy on his shoulders. "Sir, she's a witness, she's involved in this. I can't just…." Caputo grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her aside. "If you value your goddamn job, you'll get here out of here now. Hell, if you think anything of Vause at all you'll make sure she's not in here when Chapman dies."_

 _"_ _Charge."_

 _"_ _Ok stand back, this is the last attempt. Clear."_

Alex dropped her arm and let her head fall back, eyes to the ceiling. "Why don't you sit down Vause." Birdie pushed a chair towards her, taking one herself. Resigned, Alex flopped into the plastic, elbows resting on her knees, head in her hands. "This is so fucked up. I TOLD her someone would be in here for me, if she would just fucking listen to me….I knew something like this was going to happen. I just assumed it would be happening to me."

"You couldn't have predicted this Vause. Don't blame yourself." Birdie offered gently, sympathy in her voice.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Alex raised her head to make eye contact. Her face was distorted with scorn. "This is all completely my fault. I sold the drugs. I fell in love with Piper. I forced her to be a mule. I named her. I brought her here in the first place." Forgetting any of Piper's more recent betrayals, Alex beat herself with blame. It felt right, considering Piper's physical injuries. Some mental torment was surely what she deserved.

"Look, I know what you two had was complicated…" Birdie shuffled her chair closer, ignoring the animosity that was filling the room. Unperturbed, Alex shot her another look of disdain and raised an eyebrow. "Had?"

Confusion spread across Birdie's face. "Had what Vause?"

"You said had, like we don't have it anymore, like she's actually dead!" Alex exploded, launching her body from the chair and kicking its unstable legs from the ground, into the air.

"Fuck!", bellowing, Alex's body thrashed, kicked and grabbed. She lost control of rational thought, her animal instinct to fight and defend taking over as adrenaline coursed through her veins.

"Vause. Inmate. STOP!" Papers were swiped from the desk, empty coffee cups thrown…the trashcan over turned. Birdie had no option but to tackle her at the waste, grabbing her arms and holding them tightly behind her back. Breathlessly, they struggled, until Alex gasped and her whole body was wracked with sobs. Loosening her grip, Birdie sank with her to floor, wrapping her arms around the brunette as she toppled to her knees and cried like the world had ended.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a whole week since that day. A week of not hearing, not speaking….not being. Alex simply forgot how to be herself, without the knowledge that Piper was safe and alive.

"You wanna go in front of me Vause?" Nicky gestured with her tray, slowing as they reached the top of the lunch line.

Alex shook her head and stayed still, waiting for her wild haired friend to pass her. "You know, you really should try and eat something." Nicky turned as she placed her tray in front of the serving hatch. "It's been…what… a week since I saw you put anything in your mouth." Raising an eyebrow, Nicky fought the urge to make her last statement one of her usual dirty innuendos. Humouring her in an attempt to appear at least semi-interested in her company, Alex shook her head slowly in mock disbelief, apparently sharing the same thought.

"No I'm serious Vause," Nicky took her tray back from the server and moved on "I'm worried about you." Alex followed, not waiting for anything solid but grabbing a carton of milk as she moved in line. Still, she failed to reply.

 _"_ _But baby, you haven't actually said what it is you're doing for work. I can see you're doing well…you've only got one job for a start and it's not a Friendly's or Pay Less."_

 _Alex smiled into the phone as she listened to her mother's playful, lilting voice. Chuckling, she replied, "Look mom, you don't need to know the details, it's just boring industry stuff and I can't really give much away. Just remember that I make good money and know that I'm fucking brilliant what I do. Ok?"_

 _"_ _You've always been fucking brilliant at everything you turn your hand to Alex. Your ability is not what I worry about. Something doesn't seem right here with the secrecy. I need you to look after yourself, ok? You know what I'm like, I spend hours stressing about you, even when you're probably in bars chasing hot girls…" Despite the chatter of the television in the background, Alex could hear the notes of concern in her mother's voice._

 _For her entire life, Alex had been one half of an inseparable mother daughter pair; growing up without a father, fighting poverty and a bad reputation, it tied them together, intensified their loyalty, made them strong. Diane loved Alex fiercely, with a rare kind of devotion that allowed her to accept her daughter for exactly who she was, even when she was completely unconventional or made hideous mistakes._

 _"_ _You have to trust me mom…" Alex paced as they spoke, stretching her neck from side to side as she listened._

 _"_ _Alex, I worry about you." Diane's tired whisper revealed some of the vulnerability that she so desperately tried to conceal. Living alone made her anxious, made her cling to Alex in a way she hadn't done before._

 _"_ _You don't need to worry, I promise. I'm good…MORE than good. I have a great job…I met a girl…"_

 _"_ _You what?!" Diane exclaimed, sighing a little as the news sunk in. "I'm guessing you mean a girl that isn't Silvie, the woman that you live with, who you're supposed to be committed to."_

 _Alex bit her lip, "No, it's not Silvie. Her name is Piper. She's blonde and cute and funny and smart. She reads a lot and she likes tequila. She's different to Sylvie. She's…special, somehow. Are you mad?"_

 _Diane laughed again, "Alex, baby, it's not me you need to worry about here. That Silvie's got some serious control issues… "_

 _Relieved, Alex chortled as she scoffed, "Mom, I've told you… I keep telling you, you don't have to worry about me."_

"Earth to Vause?!" Nicky waved her plastic fork in front of Alex's face. "Do you even listen to a word I say anymore?"

Alex stared at her milk carton, avoiding eye contact.

"I mean, I know you're suffering. You went through some nasty shit. But you got friends here Vause, you know? People who want to help you. You don't have to go through this alone" Pausing momentarily, Nicky stared at her silent friend, before spearing a grey, unappetizing potato and bringing it reluctantly to her lips.

"You know, she might not even be dead."

Alex flinched, dropped her hands into her lap and winced as Nichols continued. "Just because we haven't heard anything, it doesn't mean that's it. Chapman's a fighter, she's not going to give up. Takes more than a phoney prison guard with a metal bar to keep a good girl down." As soon as Piper's surname was mentioned, something within Alex snapped. Struggling to control her anger, she rose from the table, taking the half full milk carton in her hand.

"You're leaving?" Nicky dropped her fork and ran one hand through her shaggy mane of hair. "Vause? What did I say?! Was it because I said her name?! What the hell is it?" Nichols rose now, leapt to her heavily booted feet and quickly rounded the table to confront her friend face to face. Alex ignored her, slowly stepping into the centre of the dinner hall, trying to avoid the watchful gaze of the guard on duty. She recognized this feeling; her body was moving but everything inside her felt numb. All she knew was that she had to escape. Good humoured or not, anybody who wasn't in the shed that day had a tendency to make her feel smothered, with their well meant intentions and their generic words of encouragement and positivity, they were suffocating. In crises, people tend to offer out their sympathy or advice like gifts, tokens of friendship or kindness that they actually find more comfort in donating than the receiver does in hearing them. In Alex's case, listening to them made her feel more alone, more isolated in her understanding of the truth of what really happened and what it actually meant.

"Vause I swear to god, you don't turn round, I'm going to seriously question our friendship. Whether Chapman's dead or not, you're still alive, and nobody can live like this." Nicky's cheeks were flushed with frustration, her arms spread wide in an exasperated show of confusion.

"What the fuck did you just say?" the broken shards of Alex's voice gathered in her throat as an angry growl. She stepped forward, gathering a fistful of Nicky's khaki overalls in her hand. "You do NOT get to talk about her like that. Ever." Inches from her friend's face, Alex finally broke through her frozen mask of grief with a frown of pure despair and revealed the extent of her suffering. Instead of fighting back, Nicky nodded slowly, scanning the brunette's beautiful face for signs of the tough, confident, sarcastic woman she used to know.

"You know, you've got bargaining rights here Vause. What happened, should never have happened. Use it. Go see Caputo. Tell him that you want to know what really happened, or else you're going to spread the word about his gross professional incompetence and the poor running of this federal unit."

Hearing these words, Alex slowly released Nicky from her maniacal grip and chewed her lip in consideration.

She was gone from the dinner hall in seconds.


	6. Chapter 6

Finally, they came to a glass-paneled door, a blind pulled down to prevent people from looking inside. "Where the fuck am I?" Alex searched her surroundings for clues as the guard pulled her to a halt and began to unlock her handcuffs. "Is this max? This can't be the schu. This is psych, right? You brought me to the psych ward. Nice." It had been an hour since her tumultuous meeting with Caputo, who amidst the tangle of raised voices and furious accusations, had summoned a guard to escort Alex out of the room and roughly bundle her out of the building.

"Vause, stop talking." The stocky, bald headed guard sighed, slipping the empty cuffs through a hook on his belt and taking hold of the silver door handle. Alex's heart stopped. "You didn't answer any of my questions. Is this psych?" She could feel her teeth beginning to chatter, her palms growing moist.

"Go ahead. Find out." Although not exactly friendly, there was a definite warmth to the guard's voice as he pushed the door open and signaled for Alex to enter. "You have half an hour. I'll be right here when you come out."

 _"_ _No peeking!" Piper cried as she came up behind Alex and covered the brunette's hands with her own, replacing the trademark glasses and making a double-layered blindfold against her eyes._

 _"_ _Hey!" Alex laughed. "I wasn't looking! I swear."_

 _"_ _Alex, you're are the world's biggest cheat. I saw you staring between the gap in your fingers. Jerk."_

 _"_ _I have to object: I never cheat at anything that requires any real skill. Patience, yes….I admit I am slightly compromised in that area."_

 _"_ _Stop talking and walk, jackass." Piper guided Alex through the door frame into her living room, negotiating her past the sofa and into the centre of the polished, wooden floor. It was December, cold enough outside for snow and near enough to Christmas for decorations. Not usually sentimental, Alex had decided, like she did every year, not to bother decking out her apartment with anything festive. Mostly, she blamed her lack of Christmas spirit on a pact of solidarity that she had made with her mother at eight years old, when she had discovered that despite the relentless working, scrimping and saving, they couldn't afford the lavish Christmas that everyone automatically expected. Since then, Christmas had been something designed for everyone else; on the big day itself, Alex prided herself on never eating turkey and drinking too much beer._

 _"_ _Ok, a little closer…" Piper gently guided her forward, the cool touch of her hands sending little shocks of excited electricity up and down Alex's skin._

 _"_ _Open your eyes!"_

 _The tree was beautiful, of course. Piper had spent hours decorating it with white, twinkling fairy lights, silver tinsel, painted pinecones and tiny jingling bells. The door frame and windowsill were trimmed with festive holly, the shiny green leaves bejeweled with deep red berries. A row of small tea light candles that had been placed on the mantelpiece glowed like stars in the night sky, bathing the room in a honey coloured light. It was beautiful. But what was more beautiful, in Alex's opinion, was Piper's excitement. She was just so goddamn cute when she was happy. Like the Christmas tree, her face was alight with pleasure, her eyes sparkling with satisfaction as she watched Alex take in the view._

 _"_ _So you like it?" the blonde chewed her bottom lip as she grinned._

 _"_ _Piper, come here." Through hooded green eyes, Alex shot her a look of pure admiration, before she grabbed her with both hands around the waist, sinking her fingers into the grey wool of her jumper and holding her close, breathing in the smell of her hair._

 _Like a child Piper squirmed in her arms until she had loosened her grip and turned to face her. "But wait, I'm not finished, you didn't look under the tree!"_

 _"_ _Pretty sure it's against the law to open any presents before the big day Pipes. I genuinely can't think of anything worse than getting in trouble with an old bearded man who has an obsession with his own sack and other people's stockings."_

 _"_ _Pervert." Piper took her by the hand and pulled her to her knees to a spot in the floor, next to the tree's lowest branches. Before Alex could protest, a shimmering, perfectly wrapped package was thrust into her arms._

 _"_ _What's this?" the solid weight of the object felt expensive as Alex shook it gently for clues._

 _Cocking her head playfully, Piper locked her shimmering eyes on her own. Blonde hair cascaded in soft waves down her shoulders, surrounding her face with an almost angelic golden frame._

 _"_ _Go ahead," she murmured, a smile dancing on her lips as she spoke, "find out!"_

Once she had stepped fully inside the small artificially lit room, Alex gasped. Both hands flew to her mouth in shock, her eyes spilling over with tears. Like a fly caught in a spiders' web, the person in the bed in front of her was caught in a tangle of tubes which were hooked up to a myriad of machines, The person in the bed in front of her had their eyes closed; they lay still, peaceful looking, oblivious to the room around them.

The person in the bed of front of her was Piper.

"You can get closer you know." A pony-tailed, smiling surgeon entered the room, wearing a pristine white coat and carrying a clipboard. "She hasn't spoken yet, but she sometimes opens her eyes. She'll probably be able to tell that you're here."

Looking at the smart professional behind her, Alex felt hideously out of place, ashamed of her grubby criminal uniform and standard issue shoes. Caught between nervousness and embarrassment, she was suddenly unsure where to move to. "Here." The surgeon walked past her and placed a chair at Piper's bedside, right next to her head so that they would be positioned face to face.

Alex cleared her throat, "Thank you."

"No problem. But you be kind to this one. She's so strong, a real fighter. We're all really proud of her." With one final check of the monitors surrounding her patient, the surgeon exited the room.

"Suck up!" Alex joked, more out of habit than for effect, looking wistfully at Piper's bruised face as she sat down. Gently, she ran her fingers over the scratched skin of Piper's cheek, stopping when she came to the deep row of stitches, which stretched from the blonde's hairline to the middle of her scalp. " Piper, I am so SO glad to see you. I thought…I thought…" fighting back tears, Alex lifted Piper's hand from the blue wool blanket that was tucked neatly into the mattress and cradled it in her own.

"You should have just listened to me, you idiot." Alex's voice was husky as she grappled with a tidal wave of emotion. Piper showed no response, but she was present. She could be touched, she felt real beneath the fingertips. In that moment, that was more than enough.

"Jesus Christ, Piper." A ragged breath escaped Alex's mouth as she wiped tears from her eyes with the back of her shaking hands. Overwhelmed with relief, she stretched forward towards Piper's motionless face to kiss her lips. The realness of Piper's mouth beneath her own almost took her breath away. Something that she thought had died inside of her stirred earnestly and she closed her eyes with relief. She'd never been a religious person, never for a second believed in God, but if there was someone up there who was responsible for this, she was sure as hell going to send them a silent prayer of thanks.

When she eventually raised her eyelids, wet and heavy with emotion, Alex found that she was staring straight into a pair of the most familiar, beautiful blue eyes that she had ever seen.


	7. Chapter 7

Realising that Piper could see her, Alex jerked herself backwards, giving the blonde room to focus. "Hey you," she breathed, watching as Piper's pools of sapphire widened in recognition of her presence. Seconds passed without any reply. "Piper? Babe….?"

 _She's still the same person….isn't she? Can she understand what I'm saying? Does she even know what my words mean? Or who I am?_

Still, there was no response.

 _Can she move? Is she in pain? Does she know how to speak?_

Piper lay blinking up at her, her rosebud lips unmoving.

Alex's stomach lurched. To have Piper but not really have Piper completely would be worse than not having her at all. Tenderly, she placed her hand on top of Piper's pale fingers, which were as cool as porcelain on top of the woolen blanket that swaddled her to the mattress of the hospital bed.

 _"_ _Pipes, stop pacing. Sit down."_

 _Alex took a step closer to the frantic blonde, who was biting her nails and anxiously walking back and forth. Her long caramel hair had been pulled into a messy plait. Preoccupied with the previous evenings events, she had pulled on faded blue jeans, grass stained and streaked with mud from days before._

 _"_ _If I stand still, I'm just going to panic even more. I can't deal with this right now." She raised her face towards the ceiling as she spoke, her feet insistent on taking steps._

 _"_ _Listen." Alex stepped into her path and grabbed Piper's wrists, forcing her to stand still. "We can hear your phone ringing anywhere. We don't need to stand around waiting, Piper. It only makes things worse." As if to prove her point, she pulled her worried girlfriend down into the sofa behind them._

 _Once seated, Piper visibly began to crumble._

 _"_ _I know. It's just…It feels wrong to carry on like nothing is different when he's in there. And it's a dangerous operation. Dad sounded really worried." Piper bowed her head, clasping her knees with her worried hands. "You know how much my Grandad means to me."_

 _Alex looked at Piper fondly, her heart swelling as she caught a glance of the blonde's pouting bottom lip and her furrowed brow. As much as she loved the fiery side of Piper, her intellectualism and (she hated to admit it) her goddamn stubbornness, she also loved that inner softness; the goofy bashfulness and the innocent naivety._

 _"_ _Hey.." she cooed, draping one arm around Piper's fragile shoulders. Piper turned her face towards her, her eyes spilling over with fat tears of concern. Alex loved that shade of blue. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, when she broke from Piper's lips and looked down at her lying beneath her, she felt as if she could almost dive into those eyes. They seemed endless, like their love._

Piper's eyelids fluttered, her eyelashes moving like butterflies wings next to her pale skin. As if shocked by electricity, her hand twitched under Alex's grip and then, breaking the silence in the tiny sterile hospital room, she took a shaky breath.

"Alex?!..."


	8. Chapter 8

Since that afternoon in the shed, Alex often had the feeling that her life was playing out in front of her eyes, regardless of any input that she might want to give. It was almost as if everyone else was following a script, that they knew the plot, while she was sitting helpless in the audience. Seconds after Piper had opened her eyes and said her name, she had that feeling once again.

An angry alarmed filled the air, wailing like a crying child, demanding attention. Suddenly, the room was a hive of activity. The door flew open and ugly, sinister looking machines were wheeled into the room, trailing wires thrashing as they moved.

"Maam? Maam?" You're going to have to move away from the bed I'm afraid." A large, kindly looking woman was pushing against her chair, jostling her way into the space between her sitting body and the metal frame of Piper's bed. As she pushed her chair back along the floor, Alex had no idea what was happening. The legs of her chair moved too easily; the smooth linoleum was a black, frozen lake. Alex gripped the sides of the chair for security, more to stop herself emotionally freefalling through the situation than to prevent a slip on the 'ice'. Piper was ok. She'd spoken and she'd looked at her for one second, maybe two. And then everything had changed again. The scene was over and everyone had read the stage directions except her. They all knew what to say, where to stand and what was happening in the next scene.

A man wearing a white coat had joined the throng around Piper's bed. They had turned Piper's head away from her now, clamped an oxygen mask around her mouth and pumped more drugs through her veins. The large nurse was adjusting a monitor as the doctor watched the screen, intently making notes and flitting his eyes from patient to clipboard. Alex knew they were helping, but it all seemed to intrusive, so brutal. Piper lay, like a broken doll, with her floppy arms at her side and her face staring up at the ceiling. She had closed her eyes, hidden the blue.

After what seemed like an hour, the alarm stopped and the nurse fell back, taking the nod from the doctor as her cue to leave. Now, he averted his gaze, skirted the hospital bed and came to stand by Alex, who still sat, bewildered, in the brown plastic chair.

"Piper appears to be stable now. She suffered an attack of tachycardia, an unusually rapid heartbeat. She'll be fine now, but the drugs are strong. She will probably have to sleep them off."

Nodding, Alex digested the news. Hearing the phrase 'sleep it off' she almost wanted to laugh _,_ remembering several occasions when her blonde girlfriend had drunk far more than her fair share of tequila. _Sleep it off? Yeah…_ she thought, inwardly, as she shot a look at Piper. _Piper's always been pretty good at that._

 _"_ _Babe, you're going to have to….." Alex fumbled with her keys, guiding her free hand quickly to the door of her apartment._

 _With Piper draped drunkenly over her shoulder, she released the key from the lock, nudging the door open with her body. After an entire evening drinking margaritas, the blonde was decidedly worse for ware._

 _"_ _Piper, you're going to have to walk. I've dragged you the whole way back from the bar." Alex huffed as she tried to steady herself and her sleepy load._

 _"_ _But I'm so tired Al." The blonde stumbled forwards, resting her back against the kitchen work surface as she kicked off her shoes. Dimly illuminated by a lone lamp left blazing in the adjacent room, the women eyed each other appreciatively in the dusky artificial light. Piper was the only person that Alex could think of who would still look completely gorgeous at 2am, with smudged make up and a crumpled cocktail dress. Grinning, the brunette moved closer and kissed her girlfriend softly on the lips, feeling her bambi eyed gaze on her own skin. Quickly, the kiss deepened._

 _"_ _You know what the best remedy is for being tired?" Alex asked between kisses, breathlessly. Hungrily searching out her mouth again, Piper insisted on staying inches away from her lips. Drawing back for a second, she paused and playfully bit her lip in mock consideration._

 _"_ _Umm…let's see…sleep it off?"_

 _"_ _Actually not what I had in mind," Alex chuckled, raising Piper's arms above her head before she gathered handfuls of black cotton and lifted the dress gently from her slender frame._

 _Behind them, the dress fell silently to the floor._


	9. Chapter 9

"Vause!" the sound of Nicky's voiced roused Alex from sleep. The book on her chest, which she had been reading before she let herself drift, slipped to the floor with a thud as she jerked back into consciousness.

"Jesus Nicky!" she breathed, struggling to bring herself to a sitting position without the bounce of normal mattress springs. Her free hand searched blindly for the book,

"Hey, relax!" Nicky entered the cube and sat heavily at the foot of the bed. "I heard you were back, I just wanted a progress report on Blondie."

Hearing the flippancy in her voice, Alex shot her a look, her face stern and unyielding to the obvious underlying concern of her friend.

"So how was she?" Nicky's chestnut eyes bore into her own. "She going to be ok?" Waiting for Alex's response, she scraped back her wild her with her fingers, threw it impatiently over her shoulder.

Alex sighed. "I don't know. I didn't really get to talk to her. She was…she wasn't really strong enough yet."

"Jeez Vause, I'm sorry. That must have been hard. Seeing her there and not being able to stay."

In response, Alex close her eyes with frustration, let her head fall back towards the ceiling as she massaged her taught neck with her hand. "It's certainly no fucking picnic." she murmured, bringing her head back to it's upright position to find sympathy splashed across her friends face.

"Will you go back? Are they going to let you?

"After the threat I gave them, they've got no fucking choice."

"So," Nicky tried her best to look positive, "that's something, right?"

Alex pushed her glasses up her nose, sharply drawing in breath. "I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see."


	10. Chapter 10: Afterwards

_This half of the story is set in the future, two years after both women have been released from Lichfield._

"Hey Pipes?!" Alex called from where she lay on the bed, propped up by pillows and surrounded by books.

"Hmm?" The blonde sauntered lazily from the adjacent en suite bathroom, toothbrush in mouth.

Grinning, Alex lowered the book that she was holding into her lap and pushed her glasses on top of her forehead.

"Whaddayasmilinat?" Piper mumbled through a mouthful of toothpaste, continuing to brush as she stood, half naked, in the doorframe.

"I'm smiling at you, you idiot. I can't believe how sexy you look standing there like that."

Rolling her eyes in disbelief, Piper shook her head of tousled hair and gestured to the oversized hoodie that she was wearing like a nightie.

"You forgot your pyjama bottoms though. Thought I should point that out before you embarrass yourself in front of someone important...like me. " Alex raised one perfectly arched eyebrow and cocked her head playfully.

With the hand that was free from brushing, Piper gave Alex the finger, before strolling back to the sink to spit and rinse.

"What did you really want me for?" Piper questioned, re-entering the room. Pulling the worn, fading hoodie off and letting it fall to the floor, she slid under the covers and huddled closer. Piling her books on the bedside table, Alex set her glasses aside and switched off the lamp. "I just…" She snuggled down next to Piper, placing one hand gently on the small swell of her stomach. "I thought of a name."

"Wow" Alex breathed, stretching her arms out towards the midwife, who was offering forward her newly born daughter. In awe, she drew the blinking baby in towards her body, cuddling her closer. "You were such a small bump. And now you're here and you're a little person!" She dragged a finger lightly over her baby's button nose, marveling at her rosebud lips and head of dark chestnut hair. Reacting to her touch, the baby turned her head and wiggled her tiny feet, little fingers tensing and relaxing as she discovered the shape of her own fists. Taking one of those hands in hers, Alex inspected each digit, rubbing the fleshy pad of her thumb over the fingernails, which were the size of half grains of rice. Instinctively, she increased the tightness of her grip, her heart swelling with love. "You have no idea how much your mama wanted you," Alex whispered, bringing her cradled arms up higher to face Piper, who lay sleeping soundly in the hospital bed behind them. "She waited so long for you to get here. She believed in you right from when you were just a crazy idea that I couldn't agree with. She pretty much loved you into life." As if to prove the reality of her presence, the baby curled her fingers around Alex's thumb, holding on earnestly as she tried to focus her big blue eyes and look towards her.

"You have her eyes, beautiful." Overwhelmed, Alex placed a kiss lightly on the baby's forehead, inhaling the scent of her smooth skin. "You're lucky, because she's smart and you've probably got that too. I'll put up with the stubbornness and the headstrong determination. You're welcome in advance." Slipping one hand behind the baby's head to support her neck, she raised her closer to her own face and nosed her way into the white toweling material of the baby gro on the little girl's chest.

The first thing Piper saw as she lazily opened her eyes was Alex, spellbound and watery eyed, kissing the mirror image of herself tenderly on the forehead.


	11. Chapter 11

One moment, when she looked, they were there. Emma and Piper. In the sandpit. At the time, when she saw them, it seemed such a familiar sight. Beautiful, yes. But familiar. Now it was such a precious memory that the details had been engraved into her mind. Together, they had become something quite extraordinary.

Early that morning, they'd woken up tangled together, their arms and legs entwined after a night of sleep. Sunshine poured through a crack in the curtains, bathing them in warmth. Sometimes, as she held Piper sleeping in her arms like that, Alex was hit with waves of unexplained fear. Rationally, she knew that it was some left over psychological symptom of her time in prison….the Kubra effect. But often it caught her off guard, panicked her to the point of tears. This morning, the experience had started off no different. Breathing heavily, she had tightened her grip, closed her eyes to shut out the glow of Piper's golden halo as the sunlight intensified. Desperate to calm the thud of her terrified heart she squeezed her eyes shut, pulled her angel closer.

Usually, this closeness helped. Usually, Piper stayed asleep and the whole thing passed.

 _"_ _Babe?!" Piper turned sleepily in her arms, her brow furrowed with concern as she turned to face her. "Al, you're shaking! What's wrong?" With delicate fingers, she pulled stray strands of brown hair from Alex's clammy skin, wiped the beads of sweat from her forehead. "Are you sick?"_

 _"_ _No…I'm ok….I'm just…" Alex lowered her gaze, her head bowing with the humiliation of being completely exposed. Refusing to be ignored, Piper scooted over to her pillow, lifted her chin with one finger and looked into her eyes._

 _"_ _Alex…"_

 _"_ _Sometimes I just get scared. I can't shake the feeling that someone is out there to ruin things for me. To hurt you. To hurt Emma. To make everything go wrong."_

 _Piper's face softened, her lips curling into a smile of affection. She pulled the rest of her body closer, until both of their frames were touching again. "We're ok Al. Nobody's going to hurt us. That's all behind us now. Everything's good." She took Alex's face in her hands and held her tenderly, like she was made of glass. Then, despite the fragility, she kissed her deeply, tried to promise security with her lips._

 _"_ _It will kill me to lose you again." Alex's husky voice threatened tears._

 _"_ _I'm not going anywhere. I promise you Alex." Piper kissed her again. "I promise you."_

Emma had squealed with joy that morning when Piper carried her into their bedroom and pulled her under the sheets. Feeling guilty about leaving her alone for longer than usual in her crib while they fiercely made love, both women wanted her closer so that they could listen to the song of her babbling and press kisses into her skin.

 _"_ _I swear to god she gets bigger every time she goes to sleep." Alex marveled, watching as Piper settled the squirming baby girl into her lap and smoothed her cornstarch blonde hair. Emma beamed, ramming her fists into her gummy mouth and kicking her feet._

 _"_ _She get's heavier, that's for sure." Piper remarked, straightening Emma's pyjama's before wrapping her arms around the little body and blowing raspberries into her chubby red cheeks._

Sometimes, when they were all together like this, Alex thought she might burst with love. To Alex, Piper was perfect, she always had been. Not technically perfect, because they fought and they hurt each other and they drove each other crazy. But when it mattered, there was no one else who could compare. No one else even came close. And now there was Emma. Emma, who looked exactly like her biological mother but who had so many of the mannerisms mannerisms of her adoptive one. There has always been the fear, when Piper got pregnant, that Alex wouldn't be able to love the baby, that she wouldn't feel close to it because she had no connection through skin or by cell.

 _"_ _Al, will you take her? She's going crazy down here!" desperate trying to attract her brunette mother's attention, Emma had tired of Piper's kisses and was stretching her arms towards Alex, trying to shuffle her bottom along the mattress unsuccessfully._

 _"_ _Hmmm, let me see…" Alex scooted closer to Emma and dropped to her elbows, her head resting on top of her hands. Seeing her mother smile, Emma shrieked and copied her, her face lighting up just like Piper's did, with that bright, gorgeous warmth of emotion._

 _"_ _Hey squirt," Alex smiled back at her, leaning closer still. "Come 'ere"._

 _"_ _Al don't tease her! She loves you so much, she just wants you to touch her. Look at her!" Emma was straining forwards now, her nappy hovering inches in the air._

 _"_ _It really is like mother, like daughter then, huh?" flashing a devilish smile at Piper she reached forwards to catch the baby, who was seconds away from falling flat on her face._

Lying flat on her back with her head resting against the pillows, Alex had held Emma above her with her arms outstretched, drawing her close to her face to kiss her forehead and then pushing her back, giggling, into the air. That feeling, she realized, that her daughter so loved, that feeling of weightlessness, the addictive, heart racing tension of neatly balancing between safety and oblivion …that's what it feels like to be a mother.

"Al, can you make sure you wash her hair?" Piper's voiced carried into the bathroom, just audible over the roar of a hair dryer. On the hard, tiled floor of their bathroom, Alex was on her knees, stretched out over the side of the bath tub, her hands wrinkled from too long in the warm soapy water.

Flapping her arms around to create little waves, Emma slapped the water and paused, searching Alex's expression for traces of a delight that matched her own. "You know what kid," Alex locked eyes with her and smiled, "you're without a doubt the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. Cuter than your mom, but we can't tell her I said that." Struck with affection, she took the little blonde's face in her hands and kissed her. "Now we have to wash your hair so close your eyes, ok?" Obediently, Emma squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her palms over them carefully.

"Good girl." Alex poured the first cup of lukewarm water over her head and waited for the backlash. Emma hated having her hair washed. She was terrified in the pool when the water lapped against the back of her head. Alex guessed that somehow she'd inherited her own fear of drowning, the threat of having to surrender to something much bigger than yourself and being completely swallowed by it. When the last drops of water leapt from her cup she saw Emma, her shoulders tensed and her rosebud pink lips pouting as she tried hard to be brave. After the second cup however, she began to whimper.

"I'm here baby," Alex placed a hand on the top of Emma's head and smiled. "I'm always here. And hey, guess what?! We're all going to the park later, you, me and mommy." Suddenly, the whimpering stopped.


End file.
